Hello friends,
I know #SAAM ended in April and that I’m weeks overdue, but we’re finally at the end and we’re tackling the last component of our name. The “T” in C.H.R.I.S.T stands for Intimate Terrorism. This is honestly a new term that we coined to better define domestic or intimate partner violence. I might use intimate terrorism and domestic violence interchangeably, so forgive me. You might wonder why we wanted to coin a new term for domestic violence, the answer is that terminology and definition can mean a great deal. For instance, “domestic violence,” or “intimate partner violence,” the violence portion of the term immediately gives images of husbands or boyfriends hitting their partners. In reality, not all “domestic violence” situations, are violent. Threats of violence may be used, psychological violence maybe, but in some situations, physical violence is never used.
The “domestic” and “intimate partner” part of the term can immediately make you think of husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, but in many domestic violence cases, the “domestic abuser” may not even live in the same household.
We believe that Intimate Terrorism is a more accurate definition of what often happens in domestic violence situations. In this blog, I’ll try to briefly give more insight into “intimate terrorism,” offer help for those who are living in these situations, offer guidance for friends, family members, and church members who can be the person to stop the abuse; as well as offer advice for when intimate terrorism happens in faith-based settings.
Intimate Terrorism
Intimate Terrorism or Domestic violence is estimated to affect about 10 million Americans each year. About one 1 in 3 women and 1 in 10 men are victims of intimate terrorism. It claims the lives of 1500 Americans. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891)
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention defines domestic violence as: “physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression (including coercive acts) by a current or former intimate partner.”
One sentence of course is not enough to thoroughly describe intimate terrorism situations. It can take years of slowly using a variety of measures to gain control of someone. The Power and Control Wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota, is a very brief but thorough glimpse into the interworkings of what happens in these relationships.
You can see that the tactics used by abusers range from using just isolation, to physical and sexual violence, or use a combination. It is also important to note that -though rare- men can also be victims of intimate terrorism.
We also use Intimate Terrorism to help describe stalking. In a recent case in the US District of Delaware, U.S. Attorney David C. Weiss commented, “Cyberstalking is a form of psychological terror that deeply impacts its victims.
Stalking includes behaviors are described by the Department of Justice as “a pattern of repeated and unwanted attention, harassment, contact, or any other course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.” Nowadays the realm of stalking has expanded to the online world. Some stalkers were formerly in a relationship with their victim. If the stalker has compromising photos of the victim, they may engage in “revenge porn,” where the stalkers post those photos on social media or send them to people in the victim’s circle, such as employers, friends, and family.
Help for Those Living in Terror
For those who are in these difficult situations, we understand that escape does not seem like an option. The abuser may be providing for your needs, physical and emotional. But what’s happening to you is not a normal part of a relationship and it is not showing love, no matter what your abuser says. For some, it goes against cultural norms to leave a relationship, but what is important is your health, safety, and happiness. Some are afraid to leave because of things like immigration status is a part of the relationship, or lack of money or resources, or friends and family, or being dependent on your abuser because of a disability.
Leaving is going to be one of the biggest and most important choices of your life. You may be afraid of what will happen when you leave, how you will get by when you’re gone, but the good news is that you don’t have to go through it alone. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”
I believe that God will be with you and give you strength. In addition to spiritual help, human help is just a phone call, or a click away. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233 or going to their website thehotline.org to chat online. There is help available to help you leave and get out of an awful place. It won’t be easy, but through prayer and claiming Bible promises, and the help of others, you can go on to be free and happy.
How You, a Friend, Colleague, or Church-member Can Help
If you’re a friend, colleague, or church member who is aware of, or suspicious of an Intimate Terrorism situation here are some things you can do to help them be empowered to get out of that situation and have you as a resource.
If you don’t know them very well, getting to know them and show them you are a friend is an excellent place to start. The abuser might make this difficult as isolation is one of the tactics they use to maintain control over their victim.
But no matter what, be a friend to them. Don’t judge them for staying or wanting to stay, they have their reasons. Don’t criticize their decisions, especially if they end up going back to their relationship. It’s normal for survivors to want to go back to a relationship many times.
If they do leave, this is when you’re needed the most. You need to be supportive and give them resources to help get through this difficult time. You can also help them develop a safety plan to keep them safe. But you have to keep in mind that you can’t recuse them. They have to make the choice to leave and be ready to leave and face all the consequences that come with that. It’s preparing for this time that you can help prepare them to leave. You can find more information at https://www.thehotline.org/help/help-for-friends-and-family/.
Faith-Based Settings
Intimate Terrorism affects all levels of socioeconomics, people of all backgrounds, and in many different settings. Church and faith-based settings are not immune to the problem. Even Pastors, Deacons, or Elders could be abusers. As in other faith-based settings that we’ve talked about, abusers may use their religion, or scripture to justify what they’re doing or make their victims think they have to stay because the Bible says so. They may even say that God doesn’t love them.
Some texts that they might use are ones like these:
Ephesians 5:22-30.
“22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
But the next part is of great importance.
“25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”
Husbands need to love their wives, and in following the example of Jesus, Jesus never hit or abused anyone. He always went out of His way to help people who were hurting. He is the epitome of true love. He loved us so much that He laid down His life for us. In John 15:13, Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.”
So abuse is not part of what a Godly marriage or any marriage looks like. Some people might use verses 26 and 27 as an excuse for abuse, claiming “they’re purifying” their partners. But Jesus has already given us a way to be cleansed, and it doesn’t involve taking a beating. You just have to believe in the Lord and ask for forgiveness of sins.
If you have a friend or family member who is in a faith-based setting, all of the tips still apply above. But you can offer to pray with them and give them encouraging Bible texts. Preaching to them and trying to convince them to leave, doesn’t get the results as just being there for them. Jesus doesn’t force Himself on anyone, neither should we.
Resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org, 1-800-799-7233
RAINN: rainn.org, 1-800-656-4673
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/
Helpful Scriptures
Deuteronomy 31:6
Psalm 1:1
Psalm 27:14
Psalm 40:1-3
Psalm 46:1
Psalm 72:14
Proverbs 10:6
Proverbs 21:9
Proverbs 22:24
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
John 14:27
I Corinthians 7:15
Ephesians 4:2
Ephesians 5:28
Colossians 3:19
Philippians 4:13
I Thessalonians 5:11
I Peter 3:7
I John 4:18